I have lost myself,
I’m trying to find her,
She’s somewhere between
“Heartache” and “Powerhouse”,
I think she’s there amongst the shadows
The ones she was just trying to give love.
Lost Myself
Tag: Love
Feel It Still
I wanted so desperately
To be free of hurt;
I threw everything
To the wind
And over months watched it settle
And here again is the pain;
It was more than what I thought,
A symptom
Of a cause I still do not understand,
I ache for pieces of the past
That I find comfort in,
But this is past tense,
And I am tense
Wanting to try again,
Unable to move
In any way,
Unsure of what next,
Or how;
But yes, I feel it still
Against Advice
I want to break down
These walls we’ve erected,
That I laid the first brick of,
I want to call and apologize
And tell you how I really feel,
Still;
Leave nothing unsaid.
But I don’t and I won’t;
Still,
Something reminds me,
I’m obstinate;
And I often do what I feel,
Against best advice
Refusing Abilify
Fear
Makes me deny hard truths
Only few know,
And I hide
To cover what I bare;
Regretful am I
Of this tendency
And where it leaves me here
Solitary;
I want to apologize,
For all the individual wrongs,
But I fear we’re past that now,
You have moved on,
But I am stuck
In 2022
Starting to pay for
My refusal to see
I was a problem;
It was never just someone
or something else;
But me;
My want for a fuller life
Together
Made me override,
Overrule,
Take the reigns
I had no right to hold alone;
And you knew me
When I could not see
Me for me;
Especially when I wasn’t being
Me;
I faulted you for saying
The things I did not want
To hear
And now I’m sitting here
Writing
About them,
Trying to figure out
How to climb out
Of this ocean of hurt
With waves that only tease
With a short relief of air;
I am sorry for everything,
You were right,
And now I’m not there;
No, I’m lost
Alone.
Self-fulfilling Prophecies
My favorite songs
Are my self-fulfilling prophecies:
I like him,
He likes me,
But we’ve got baggage,
And he’s got a “her”,
Again;
Incompatibility
From the start
But damn it was love and passion
And heart,
It wasn’t a lie
Until we both turned,
Claiming “too hard to try” anymore,
Your fault,
My fault,
Confused;
Tears and anger coincide
I want to hate you,
Want to have you
want to love you,
To again collide;
But they say it’s too late,
Too much said and done,
Both burned
too many times
The Pilgrimage
Summer solstice came
As my footfalls returned me here,
And with them,
a great sea-change,
Of my shelled heart,
a cracking
And from it grew,
Bloomed,
Burst forth a greater
Beating vessel,
Capable of holding more,
The conflicting emotions
And complexities of what can only come
For out-growing fear,
Of learning what to take away from lessons learned
From this recent venture home and round again;
This–my pilgrimage.
She of Letters 