Waxing poetic on thoughts, theory & the times
The flowers were dying,
And yet remained beautiful
Even with rust-colored edges,
I grieved to see them go,
As petals fell,
And valued them in their present state,
But knew even this too shall pass;
I cut a sample of each,
Hung up to dry,
And the memory of the intent and this treasure
Is preserved.
I am processing,
All the recent things,
Rehashing what was
To understand what is;
This is difficult, necessary labor,
To birth the new,
the next
version of me,
With an upgrade in process,
Excuse any confusion
While my system comes up to date.
I have lost myself,
I’m trying to find her,
She’s somewhere between
“Heartache” and “Powerhouse”,
I think she’s there amongst the shadows
The ones she was just trying to give love.
I wanted so desperately
To be free of hurt;
I threw everything
To the wind
And over months watched it settle
And here again is the pain;
It was more than what I thought,
A symptom
Of a cause I still do not understand,
I ache for pieces of the past
That I find comfort in,
But this is past tense,
And I am tense
Wanting to try again,
Unable to move
In any way,
Unsure of what next,
Or how;
But yes, I feel it still
I want to break down
These walls we’ve erected,
That I laid the first brick of,
I want to call and apologize
And tell you how I really feel,
Still;
Leave nothing unsaid.
But I don’t and I won’t;
Still,
Something reminds me,
I’m obstinate;
And I often do what I feel,
Against best advice
Fear
Makes me deny hard truths
Only few know,
And I hide
To cover what I bare;
Regretful am I
Of this tendency
And where it leaves me here
Solitary;
I want to apologize,
For all the individual wrongs,
But I fear we’re past that now,
You have moved on,
But I am stuck
In 2022
Starting to pay for
My refusal to see
I was a problem;
It was never just someone
or something else;
But me;
My want for a fuller life
Together
Made me override,
Overrule,
Take the reigns
I had no right to hold alone;
And you knew me
When I could not see
Me for me;
Especially when I wasn’t being
Me;
I faulted you for saying
The things I did not want
To hear
And now I’m sitting here
Writing
About them,
Trying to figure out
How to climb out
Of this ocean of hurt
With waves that only tease
With a short relief of air;
I am sorry for everything,
You were right,
And now I’m not there;
No, I’m lost
Alone.
She of Letters 