Waxing poetic on thoughts, theory & the times
This is open,
Parting of shell,
To test the rain;
water
She has been burned,
Scorched
Even by the familiar sun,
Been made weary of Trust
But this is now trusting
The unknown,
This is realizing
She has lived far past her early fears,
And is not a blooming body
Receiving judgment,
She now is
The Bloom,
Awake,
Aware,
Knowing her worth,
She sifts the soil,
Deeper in
The sands
Of space and time,
To find her other half,
1 worthy
Of the bloom
That is She.
We were meant to be
I feel it
Yet I hold in my heart
A fear I should have had 3 months into us
When I said
Yes.
I’m exhausted and terrified
Of this all being a lie
Of distortions and cons
That I’ve called life
I’m afraid that by drowning in love
I will do just that;
Drown,
And you won’t extend a hand to save me.
I want proof,
I want trust,
I want honesty,
I want all those things a love as home
Is meant to be.
Tongue
Bit
Teeth set,
Say nothing
Out of line
With the norm,
Status quo,
Don’t rock the boat,
Itch,
Cough,
Sneeze,
All is fine,
Strain
To
Breathe,
Remove your mask
To show your
Smile
Hot with anger
The memories hit
And I’m taken back
Back
Back to when I was
Grasping for strands of autonomy,
Staking my claim,
Vouching for
My
Self,
And
Gaping
For the words that will hold
That will make my reality
Real
To
Someone
Else,
And I am voiceless,
Gasping,
Begging,
Please,
To see,
What I know,
To feel what I feel,
Gaslit,
And now I know it,
And the feeling is of airlessness,
Oxygen depleted,
Would this be more real if I were bleeding?
I am ill,
See it plain,
Believe,
I know my body,
This sick,
It’s not just in,
A figment of,
A skewed creation
Of my brain
Is this the anxiety male counterparts typically feel,
A coming of age that aches with pangs of hope and fear?
Of possible humiliation
And unrequited feelings;
Laid bare,
Like guitar strings never plucked?
I am lost,
In knowing what I want,
What I’m willing to do and be,
But I’m stepping into shoes that feel too big for me,
Sized 17 to be exact,
Sized for you,
And it fit so perfectly,
Until
I undid us,
Untied it all,
Left us dangling
In my insanity
And now
Now I’ve grown,
I’ve learned,
We’ve grown,
We’ve learned,
And now I want,
I want,
Gluttonous I want nothing but this
And more of this
Of us,
Because I cannot imagine a day
A night,
A moment
That you’re
not,
Nor a moment
That you’re not in
my life,
I would go to the ends of the Earth,
If it meant you might have a moment of peace,
I would bear unspeakable pain
If it meant you could share my greatest gift,
I would go without love,
If I could not have yours,
For you are something
I was undeserving of,
That I was too naïve and fragile to be entrusted with,
And yet you trusted me still.
I am foolish to expect second chances,
Or perhaps fate was never meant to be questioned by a fool,
And opportunity and courage are devised to set things right,
I have never loved as I love this one,
This man that I know, and who knows me,
For whom I am suddenly speechless;
Breathless,
Wanting nothing
but
Every ounce of his being to want and need my own,
And For promises of wizened lovers
Of “until death do us part,”
And even then…
I can’t bring myself
To do
The things I ought to do,
Even ought not to do,
Because I’m stuck,
In a groove of melancholic waiting,
Not really wanting,
Not knowing what to expect,
Or what to anticipate,
In a fast paced
Wait,
Idling in activity that seems so important,
Despite it’s triviality,
In apocalyptic anticipation,
For every moment
It is the end.
She of Letters 