Tag: Fear

Rejection Sensitivity

~ Vanessa ~ Leave a comment

For fear of rejection,
I have held back,
Hidden,
And as a reflex run
From sharing my love,
For fear, it will be sneared at
Mocked,
Rejected.

Scared;
I have long kept quiet 3 sacred words.
And created a negative self-fulfiling prophecy.

In doing so I have held back this gift,
From those who I love most.
Leaving behind only regret,
As there are some to whom
I know only now know my truth,
Because they are alas as spirit.

Before that time
Should pass,
You,
Being of my most beloveds,
Please now know,
I love you so.
Deeply,
Truly,
Even madly,
Whatever form or relation be it to me,
I love you still,
Body, mind, and soul.

Bide My Time

~ Vanessa ~ 1 Comment

I am tired,
Of the painful ache,
Of just,
Just always being out of reach of
A goal,
A something
A something good
That I have patiently waited for…

Desire is a sort of test,
A distraction;
What is not meant for you
Will not come,
No matter how long one waits;
What is meant
Will not pass you by.

Patiently, I bide my time.


9/11: Years Later

~ Vanessa ~ Leave a comment


911,
Whats your emergency?

The world as we knew it ended,
And we are still picking up the pieces
And will be,
Indefinitely,
From the impact and blowback,
For years into the future,
And for somethings we won’t
Even be sure why,
Though we will remember,
In our lived history;
Memory survives.

Sit with Uncomfortable

~ Vanessa ~ Leave a comment

You hate waiting,
Sitting on the unknown,
All the inevitable
What ifs
Through the mind slip,
Sanity
Chasing after unrealistic expectations,
Hopes and dreams,
Of things just out of
Reach,
Its a reach
Ice cube’s chance in hell probability
Probably,
its probable
That you’ll be disappointed,
So you lower
Your expectations,
Until you don’t expect
Anything;
Beautiful
look up,
Who hurt your heart?
Made you doubt you deserve?
Hold out
your heart,
But don’t sell out
For less;
Patience,
Sit with your uncomfortable
Knowing you’re the best.

Refusing Abilify

~ Vanessa ~ 1 Comment

Fear
Makes me deny hard truths
Only few know,
And I hide
To cover what I bare;
Regretful am I
Of this tendency
And where it leaves me here
Solitary;
I want to apologize,
For all the individual wrongs,
But I fear we’re past that now,
You have moved on,
But I am stuck
In 2022
Starting to pay for
My refusal to see
I was a problem;
It was never just someone
or something else;
But me;
My want for a fuller life
Together
Made me override,
Overrule,
Take the reigns
I had no right to hold alone;
And you knew me
When I could not see
Me for me;
Especially when I wasn’t being
Me;
I faulted you for saying
The things I did not want
To hear
And now I’m sitting here
Writing
About them,
Trying to figure out
How to climb out
Of this ocean of hurt
With waves that only tease
With a short relief of air;
I am sorry for everything,
You were right,
And now I’m not there;
No, I’m lost
Alone.

The Pilgrimage

~ Vanessa ~ Leave a comment

Summer solstice came
As my footfalls returned me here,
And with them,
a great sea-change,
Of my shelled heart,
a cracking
And from it grew,
Bloomed,
Burst forth a greater
Beating vessel,
Capable of holding more,
The conflicting emotions
And complexities of what can only come
For out-growing fear,
Of learning what to take away from lessons learned
From this recent venture home and round again;
This–my pilgrimage.