Waxing poetic on thoughts, theory & the times
I
never realized I was held
by fear of him
Until I gained the strength
to go;
Until push came hard enough to shove
And I realized
I
was not yet
as fully powerful
As I thought,
While I stayed,
Under his weight;
It was in the run,
In running
Away
That
I
felt the surge
Felt the start
Of me coming into me,
In the run
I
saw who I was
saw who I could be,
Saw myself standing out of his shadow,
And saw what I was capable of;
In leaving,
I
returned.
I am not sure who
I am
Sometimes,
For I lose myself
In loving others
Selflessly,
Only to be the
Battered for
Their ram
My salty,
solitary tears
At times help,
Help me float
As I drift out,
Away,
always
Alone;
Lonely
I can not do it all,
Never was meant to,
I am tired
Of hurting,
And of being alone,
This way,
I fear
my heart calcifying;
And still of me
Demanded
Blood,
From this stone
I can’t but feel the ache,
The burn of loss,
Each moment I am awake,
I’ve lost a trust,
A sense of companionship
Of a valued friend and lover,
I want to forgive,
But there is too much
Of the wound left untreated,
Too much,
Left unanswered,
I don’t know how to heal betrayal,
I hate you,
For this pain,
But I love you,
And that’s why I’m in this position,
I almost think this is your intent,
If you don’t want me
Just say it,
Speak up,
Use your words,
Loud and clear,
Let me figure out how to live,
Without you.
The hours we were together were infinite in timespan,
Too much for either to understand,
How idle we became with limitless hours,
And then space opened up,
And our time was stolen
By chaos and confusion,
And then it stopped,
And we were left still riveting,
The inertia of life leaving us dizzy,
Lost in a haze that felt exciting and new,
The honeymoon of us,
And it was as if we were gifted a second chance,
A redo,
An opportunity,
And it was everything,
It was,
It
Was
Until the bottom opened and the wallpaper peeled,
Exposing a something underneath,
Needing to heal,
Something needing care,
And love that I wanted nothing more to give,
Unsure if it would be received,
For nothing is the same,
Each shift
Changes rules of the game,
And I am filled with love,
That I long to give,
That I can only expell
Through tears
As you keep me at arm’s length,
And in the moments that we touch,
That we come close,
Become close,
I am breathless with anticipation,
With fear,
That each moment might be our last,
How gingerly I must tread,
Must care for each second,
For I know what losing you
Feels like,
And I know what having you here
Means to me,
This is a tightrope of epic heights,
For us together,
I’ll do what it takes,
To save our life.
Scattered,
Over the lands
Fragments of family,
Made from love,
Or something like it
Uprooted,
Upheaval,
Makes the grounds unsteady,
Uninhabitable,
In need of relocation
Roots are separated,
And replanted elsewhere,
To find stability,
And resources,
In another land
Division only spreads the space
Where seedlings find
Familiar roots
Next to which
They may grow
Written 2010
I do not know how to foster
the kind of patience, understanding,
and strength that i need, that this requires.
I don’t know how to keep sane
when everything around me
is pure insanity.
i don’t know how to be loving,
though I love,
when everything in my nature
tells me “this hurts, don’t accept, fight back”.
and so, i read and read,
searching in words to find the answers,
that i already know.
answers that are before me
just as stories, stories that tell our lives.
Our lives in different locations,
with different names, and dates. but no solutions,
no fixes.
we are the guinea pigs for this life,
and we’ve so far been dealt a difficult hand.
we love and we hurt,
we hurt and we love
and that is how we live
in our little home
She of Letters 