I never realized I was held by fear of him Until I gained the strength to go; Until push came hard enough to shove And I realized I was not yet as fully powerful As I thought, While I stayed, Under his weight;
It was in the run, In running Away That I felt the surge Felt the start Of me coming into me,
In the run I saw who I was saw who I could be, Saw myself standing out of his shadow, And saw what I was capable of;
I can’t but feel the ache, The burn of loss, Each moment I am awake, I’ve lost a trust, A sense of companionship Of a valued friend and lover, I want to forgive, But there is too much Of the wound left untreated, Too much, Left unanswered, I don’t know how to heal betrayal, I hate you, For this pain, But I love you, And that’s why I’m in this position, I almost think this is your intent, If you don’t want me Just say it, Speak up, Use your words, Loud and clear, Let me figure out how to live,
The hours we were together were infinite in timespan, Too much for either to understand, How idle we became with limitless hours, And then space opened up, And our time was stolen By chaos and confusion, And then it stopped, And we were left still riveting, The inertia of life leaving us dizzy, Lost in a haze that felt exciting and new, The honeymoon of us, And it was as if we were gifted a second chance, A redo, An opportunity, And it was everything, It was, It Was Until the bottom opened and the wallpaper peeled, Exposing a something underneath, Needing to heal, Something needing care, And love that I wanted nothing more to give, Unsure if it would be received, For nothing is the same, Each shift Changes rules of the game, And I am filled with love, That I long to give, That I can only expell Through tears As you keep me at arm’s length, And in the moments that we touch, That we come close, Become close, I am breathless with anticipation, With fear, That each moment might be our last, How gingerly I must tread, Must care for each second, For I know what losing you Feels like, And I know what having you here Means to me, This is a tightrope of epic heights, For us together, I’ll do what it takes, To save our life.
I do not know how to foster
the kind of patience, understanding,
and strength that i need, that this requires.
I don’t know how to keep sane
when everything around me
is pure insanity.
i don’t know how to be loving,
though I love,
when everything in my nature
tells me “this hurts, don’t accept, fight back”.
and so, i read and read,
searching in words to find the answers,
that i already know.
answers that are before me
just as stories, stories that tell our lives.
Our lives in different locations,
with different names, and dates. but no solutions,
we are the guinea pigs for this life,
and we’ve so far been dealt a difficult hand.
we love and we hurt,
we hurt and we love
and that is how we live
in our little home