Tag: Age

Vulnerability: I Love

~ Vanessa ~ 1 Comment
Image: Me before my 9th grade social (2001)

Vulnerability is my vulnerability,
I pick and choose
the pieces of me to share
I shuffle my deck,
Lay my cards out
Then scuttle back,
Back in,
Under cover
To safety,
Concerned others might see.

Or, I did;

Until
Sometime this past November,
When a New Birthday gift
Enhanced my shell,
Made it stronger
And made it removable,
I need not bare all,
But I can bare.
And I can be so damn proud,
And openly admire
this body,
this mind,
this heart,
this soul,
With all the bumped,
Bruised
Smoothed,
Filled,
Filed,
Etched,
Modeled,
Molded aspects
Of this vessel;
Of this person I am.

This person
She is Beautiful;
Authentic,
Wild,
Ever growing,
Ever learning,
Ever being;
For she is living.

And I love her;
She is Me.

Look (I’m Becoming)

~ Vanessa ~ Leave a comment

Look at me,
Look what I can do,
Look how fast I’m growing,
I can tie my shoe,
Look and see what I found that’s new,
I’m curious about everything,
Now hear me read,
Write my name,
You won’t n notice it at first
But oh I’ve changed,
Constantly,
My height, my weight, my voice,
I’ve become my own person,
In that moment you blinked,
I can count higher than you even know,
I can be kind,
I can be wise,
I can be brave,
I can, I can,
Do all the things I couldn’t yesterday
I can be the being you only imagined,
Watch me do it,
By myself,
Your are teaching me,
To have you near,
Even when you are not around,
Look and see before I am grown,
I’m growing, learning, being,
But from your smile,
Your tears,
I see that this
you must already know

32 Years

~ Vanessa ~ Leave a comment

This evening I turn 32;
A decade since I cried
With bronchitis
Not knowing what to do,
A decade since I swore I’d failed,
That not knowing what would come next
Is what was making me fail

This evening I turn 32,
So much has passed since I feared

My body was at the end of the line,

That my chance of treatment was only giving me
Borrowed time

This evening I turn 32,
A flip of my favorite number
A number I’m not sure why,
but I’m drawn to,
Everytime

This evening I turn 32,
And look back
at what 32 has brought me,
It’s not perfect
But it’s mine
My heart
Inside

And then there is
The heart that beats
Outside my breast,
And snores
To assure me,
Yes she takes another breath;
And a love that snores much deeper
Than our babe
On the other side
of my body

This evening
I turn
32,
And like at years 3 and 2
Insomnia wakes my dreams
To wonder on ,
And on,
And overthink
My next 2 to 3, to 32 years

Glass

~ Vanessa ~ Leave a comment

Written 2006

Tears have dried
Coarse salt remains
Jagged crystals
That burn
Blur and tear
At my eyes

So young
But this soul
Is so old

Filled my quota
Now I balance checks
On rain
My stare is not empty
But behind
layers of glass
— scorched salt
of my tears