I wanted so desperately
To be free of hurt;
I threw everything
To the wind
And over months watched it settle
And here again is the pain;
It was more than what I thought,
A symptom
Of a cause I still do not understand,
I ache for pieces of the past
That I find comfort in,
But this is past tense,
And I am tense
Wanting to try again,
Unable to move
In any way,
Unsure of what next,
Or how;
But yes, I feel it still
Against Advice
I want to break down
These walls we’ve erected,
That I laid the first brick of,
I want to call and apologize
And tell you how I really feel,
Still;
Leave nothing unsaid.
But I don’t and I won’t;
Still,
Something reminds me,
I’m obstinate;
And I often do what I feel,
Against best advice
Refusing Abilify
Fear
Makes me deny hard truths
Only few know,
And I hide
To cover what I bare;
Regretful am I
Of this tendency
And where it leaves me here
Solitary;
I want to apologize,
For all the individual wrongs,
But I fear we’re past that now,
You have moved on,
But I am stuck
In 2022
Starting to pay for
My refusal to see
I was a problem;
It was never just someone
or something else;
But me;
My want for a fuller life
Together
Made me override,
Overrule,
Take the reigns
I had no right to hold alone;
And you knew me
When I could not see
Me for me;
Especially when I wasn’t being
Me;
I faulted you for saying
The things I did not want
To hear
And now I’m sitting here
Writing
About them,
Trying to figure out
How to climb out
Of this ocean of hurt
With waves that only tease
With a short relief of air;
I am sorry for everything,
You were right,
And now I’m not there;
No, I’m lost
Alone.
Self-fulfilling Prophecies
My favorite songs
Are my self-fulfilling prophecies:
I like him,
He likes me,
But we’ve got baggage,
And he’s got a “her”,
Again;
Incompatibility
From the start
But damn it was love and passion
And heart,
It wasn’t a lie
Until we both turned,
Claiming “too hard to try” anymore,
Your fault,
My fault,
Confused;
Tears and anger coincide
I want to hate you,
Want to have you
want to love you,
To again collide;
But they say it’s too late,
Too much said and done,
Both burned
too many times
Best Friend
My heart knows love,
It once knew it was loved in return,
But then life threw daggers at each others hearts,
And confused the source:
The cause and reason,
Blame my illness,
And I blame yours;
Fault jobs,
And money,
Close quarters,
Distance,
And meddling,
Thus, so much has been laid bare,
Exposing the sinewy complicated beneath,
And the heal seemed impossible.
Until we separated,
Like angry children
Once best friends;
And life,
Through the child,
forces us back again,
And our differences and the past
Start to seem like a cruel illusion,
But the tears
And the hurt of separation is all too real,
Tangible in each trembling heartbeat,
I mourn the loss of my lover,
But I agonize over the loss of my best friend.
Healing
Healing is bittersweet,
It is hope with a tinge of pain,
The sting of loss,
Healing a heart is beautiful,
And sorrowful
With loss amidst the challenge
Of facing the unknown,
It is an escape room,
With the excitement from
The fear itself,
In a contained space,
The heart beats for what was,
The familiar,
And fears even the beauty of a fresh start,
Facing that conflict
is where the healing happens,
A heart is stitched together, bringing opposite sides together
Cry for what was,
But not for what could have been,
Because it wasn’t;
But there is a “will be”
On the horizon,
If you will let it come
To be.
She of Letters 