Category: throwback

Things I Cannot See (Sick)

~ Vanessa ~ Leave a comment

I am sick of being sick,
Of the mental,
emotional,
physical strain,

I would like to walk,
A few steps would be fine,
Without the blurred vision,
And difficulty,
Of underwater locomotion

I am sick of being sick
Of the meek excuses
I must make
For my body’s every ache

This weekly cycle
Is endless I fear
How I will function
I cannot predict
What is my purpose
In all of this,
To go through life
chronically sick?

I am sick of being sick
Of people being sick
Of me
Forgive me if I complain,
If my body cannot cooperate
With my brain,
Forgive me if I am a burden,
I know how burdens can be,
I wish for once
I could fit
In a “normal” category

I am sick of being sick
Of something I cannot see
Of ghosts haunting my mind
My emotion
My every waking motion

I can tell you
That I am trying
And swear this to be the truth
And I know you will tire of me too
I pray, be patient
Do not abandon me
I am sick of being punished
By things I cannot see.

-July 13, 2005

Strange Love

~ Vanessa ~ Leave a comment

June 10, 2005

I have not given up
For reasons
I have yet to understand
For circumstances
I am yet to apprehend
Teetered on this tightrope of life
Given the benefit of doubt
Only to see that I have been left out
Lean on no one, no more
Expect from none other than me
Dream my own dreams
Weave my own path
Take a breath
And let it pass

I have said my goodbyes
To a time when I was
Someone
I never wished to be
Someone who remains
Deep inside of me
Times are difficult
I will admit
And I am still
a little strange
But keep up,
And in time you will find
That no one’s life
is quite the same
That despite whether or not
others can
I still have
to love me.

What to Expect

~ Vanessa ~ Leave a comment

May 29, 2015

It is Friday evening,
Once again she has gotten her hopes up
Far beyond any reasonable expectation

She will hope for a happy greeting,
Not too much, nor too little,
She should have expected
no acknowledgment
Secretly she still does

She will hope to be hugged
With no expectation of reciprocity
She will hope to just feel loved.
She should have expected no contact
With any hug or kiss as immediate prelude
to meaningless groping

She will hope for mutual conversation
Respectful and equal in part,
She should expect to be spoke to, not to speak
Lest, she wish to be corrected on et al, mid-clause

She will hope to sleep soundly,
Next to the one she love,
She should expect loneliness,
She should expect complacency with loveless-ness
She should expect, nothing,
But nothing

She should not have to expect
to keep expecting all of this.

Beginner

~ Vanessa ~ Leave a comment

Written 2005

Please forgive me
For my inexperience,
My awkward footing,
These shoes are new
–A little too big,
Though they looked
Like they would fit,
I will grow into them
If you give me time,
I know the right footwork
I have seen it before,
Just never danced
a tango for two
And of course,
Like I mentioned
–the shoes

Trust me,
I am not always this shy
That is just a part
Of my inexperience
That we will need to get by

Sometimes I am too bold
Forgive me for this
–Out of the loop
For far too long,
Sorry,
If I come on too strong
I will get the hang
If you just take the lead
Sorry, again,
If I forget to breathe

And sorry for all of my apologies
Please,
Just don’t let me dive in too deep